Dear John Mayer,

I can’t take you behind the school for the beating you justly deserve until I take you to school.  So, it is time for your ABC’s.  And you best be sitting straight up in that chair young man…

• Never, ever, ever, ever do any interview inebriated.  At all.  Ever!  What a dope.  If you won’t operate your car while inebriated (and you damn well better not), why would you operate something as potentially hurtful, namely your mouth?  This is an IQ test my man and you failed.  You are old enough that you should know better.  Seriously.

• This is to you and all your young artist cohorts.  The first thing you should do with that first big paycheck is hire a top five PR firm to teach you how to communicate effectively with the media.  That you allowed yourself to be put in that position, that you decided to consume alcohol and that you thought you were so smart and cute and funny is so flat out stupid I just cannot believe it really happened.  You seem like a smart guy, why would you not take a smart guy’s approach rather than a moron’s approach.  Seriously.

• What world do you live in?  I know you entertainment people think you live in some zone apart from us unwashed, but you are wrong.  I cannot imagine any public or PRIVATE place where it is appropriate to say the things you said.  Mr. I Wanna Just Play My Guitar, Mr. I’m Never Speaking to the Media Again, Mr. Cry on Stage Like a Girl – you should be ashamed of yourself (perpetually).  Frank Sinatra never cried on stage.  Rather than cry and play the blame game, be a man and take the medicine you deserve.  By the way, don’t try to be so disingenuous – if your willy is a racist, you are a racist.  My man, you need to go to the only rehab that will help this problem: The Revrand Al Sharpton Show.  You need to spend a week with the good Reverend who I am 100% sure will ‘Keep it Real’ on your skinny butt.  A week with he and his listeners ought to help heal you of your color sensitivity.


• What world do you live in Redux?  I just cannot imagine that you think folks, quality folks, both men and women, think it is OK to blather about relations you have had with women.  Have you not one shred of class?  There are plenty of men and women who are naughty as all get-out, but are classy enough to keep their mouths shut.  As it should be.  This kind of stuff is nobody’s business and should be kept between the sheets and the partners involved.  But, Poor Little Johnny, has not been on too many dates since who and who.  What a baby.  Frankly you should have earned yourself a multi-year dry spell on dating as no self-respecting woman of any age or stripe ought get anywhere near you.  Lest they want this kind of scurrilous publicity, which, if they do, ought to tell you a lot about the woman.


• Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Naomi Campbell, Grace Jones (!), Shari Belafonte – Beyonce for G-d’s sake?!  The list could go on and on and on, but who has the time (or imagination…).  You are not a racist, you are stupid.  To think you would be ‘turned-off’ by any of these fine women because of the shade of their skin is just flat out stupid.  What, you’ve never dated someone with a good tan?  What’s the difference?  Too much Africa there for ya lad?   Seriously my man, you have some serious problems and you need to get a grip.

Well Johnny, you may already think you’ve been out back and taken a beating, but you are wrong my friend.  Here is the beating.  I am sick of people in the public eye not understanding their real relationship to the collective, abusing their relationship to the collective and then whining and crying about how they have been mistreated by the media.  I am sick of decent men like my friend Bill Cosby being pilloried for speaking the truth and demanding better behavior.  I am sick of us all being so PC-polite that we no longer call people out for their aberrant behavior.

Bunk.  John, you have a responsibility to the society that listens to you, that is moved by your words and that enriches you beyond the imagination of most people.  Instead of leading in an inspirational and, importantly, an aspirational way in this difficult and maybe even transformative time, you have said it is OK to just wallow around in a sewer of judgmentalism and sloth.  You have said it is OK to use a word and other words that clearly are derogatory  and rude (no one should use that one specific word at all, ever).  You have said it is OK to judge a person by the color of their skin or their ethnic background and not by the content of their character.  And then you want to hide behind your guitar, hide behind what you prize most – your art – to skirt your responsibility.  Shameful.

John, you were wrong, not wronged.  You need to stand up like a man, take responsibility for your actions without equivocation and take the medicine you so richly deserve.  And then you need to lead my man.  Use your G-d given gift (and it is) to promote positivity, togetherness and love (the clean good kind…).  That is how you get passed this John-boy: listen, learn, grow and walk the walk.